Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
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[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
⛄️
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?