It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.