Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”

No, I’m at a desk reading your email.

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”