Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
You Might Also Like
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting