A roof is a house hat.
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People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
“The Perfect Relationship”
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.