Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
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i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.