About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
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why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar