professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
They’re stuck in your pants?
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?