this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
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I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”