You Might Also Like
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”