1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
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Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.