Thank you corporation very cool
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Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.