My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.