If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
You Might Also Like
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere