“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
You Might Also Like
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁