Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
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It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway