me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
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What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?