Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
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Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
“just sayin” who asked you though?
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?