“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
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hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Happy Thanksgiving
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?