Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
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Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
wtf management?!
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know