I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes