OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
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He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
my dog when i have a friend over
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside