Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
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My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
More like Kate Missington.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t