My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
This is the coolest video you will see today.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Welcome to the stomach
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat