My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
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like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Something Saturday.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
The opposite of Iceland is water water