me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
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And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”