When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
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5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
this is literally a CIA plant
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs