I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
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He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*