Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit