DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
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didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Proctology is located in A55
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years