My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
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For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I want what they have
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison