Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
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Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.