you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
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Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you