super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
You Might Also Like
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.