My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
You Might Also Like
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
🔦🌙👣
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.