Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
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“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
what are they serving at kfc then???
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.