7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
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[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*