How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
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Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I missed you with all my darts