I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
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The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
We’ve come full circle
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter