Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
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Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Me trying to “trust the process”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Godspeed, John Glenn
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face