My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
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My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Put this video in the Louvre
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.