I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
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A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Go girl power!
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
not seeing the problem
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle