If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
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The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday