Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
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I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Not helping
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.