I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
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Still my favourite meme.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Beware of fowl play.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
smartest karate player in the world
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I love art.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”