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Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
My work here is done
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.