A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
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I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Seems legit
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi