While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
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I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.