Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
You Might Also Like
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.