Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
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When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
what?
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.